The Honeymoon Phase

I feel like a totally different person than the depressed shell of a human I was during the first trimester. My mood on the whole has gone from bleak and dismal to relaxed and cheerful in the past month or two: I’m in the Honeymoon Phase of pregnancy, and boy does it feel better.

Factors that could have contributed to this miraculous change:

  • HORMONES: They say the first trimester hormones are the worst, and they level off during mid-pregnancy. I say that is 100% accurate. Most of my depressed days did not feel like they were happening for a concrete reason. I cried just because I couldn’t not cry, I couldn’t see the good in anything, and I didn’t want to get out of bed in the mornings. I didn’t feel like me; I felt I was being controlled by some demon (hormones). After a few months, a switch flipped and I felt like my sunny old self again, complete with goals and interests.
  • TWINS: The anxiety and dark clouds didn’t entirely disappear once we found out it was not just a single baby inside…but that revelation was a huge turning point for my mood. I finally had an explanation for my out-of-the-ordinary emotional incontinence, not to mention my double fatigue. I stopped blaming myself and I actually felt excited for the babies.
  • GIVING FEWER FUCKS: Once I realized I am a human incubator of two lives, I realized that I am doing enough. This attitude is one I’ve been on the path toward for years, getting happier and happier the closer I come to not caring what anyone thinks. But now I’ve arrived. Yeah, we need money, and I need to fulfill my creative goals and keep my friends…but my first priorities are getting enough sleep, healthy food, exercise, meditation, and alone time, then, doing all the research, nesting, and procuring of items that will ensure these babies are safe and healthy once on Earth. That leaves me a mere couple of hours per day to do unrelated things. Does that mean I say “no” more often, and that when I do say “yes,” I am less fun, less accurate, and slower in every way? Yes. Do I give a fuck? No.
  • I’M MARRIED: I never thought I’d be so happy to be married, but this ties in with the previous bullet point. I have found the most amazing companion to help me grow, make me laugh, relax with me, and get me. And he has never been so into me as all the days since we committed our lives to each other. I know we’re in the honeymoon phase, but there’s nothing between us that isn’t real as real gets, and that makes me so glad I’ve long since left the days of running around trying to be as “sexy” as possible, exhausting myself with my “adventures,” smiling and trying to impress everyone around me. No thank you! Kai and I took a little honeymoon to Catalina Island a few weekends ago. We had such a great time. One day, we took a five-hour nap, then went to the grocery store and got hot dogs to grill at our hotel for dinner. We ate them, and some chips, in bed while watching a documentary about the Unabomber.

The fact that I don’t feel I have to search or strive for happiness is the most liberating experience. I’ve accomplished about four things today, so I’m not asking anything else of myself. I’m about to go to bed at 9:30pm and have one of those crazy pregnancy dreams, and just enjoy where I am.

I know that the third trimester is probably going to be a whole ‘nother story, and I’m going to have to learn how to live all over again. And same when the babies get here. I just hope that this ability to let it be will keep growing, and though I know it’s a possibility, I really hope the hormones will never again turn me into someone I don’t recognize.

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Halfway There (Gender Spoiler Alert!)

This week has been so full of happiness and good vibes. It just goes to show the truth in the quote my sister always reminds me of: “If you’re having a bad day…just wait. It’ll turn around. If you’re having a good day…just wait. It’ll turn around.”

After we had such a wonderful wedding on Friday, I had a relaxing weekend, followed by a flurry of creative writing with my partners, because we are almost finished with ten episodes of a series that is soon to be filmed and paid for…not by us, but by a company!

Then, Kai and I went for our 20-week ultrasound. It took so long for the doctors to thoroughly examine each twin that the goo they put on my belly started to dry. But it was worth it, because not only did we find out that both of them were good-sized and fully formed and healthy (and crazy…kicking each other in the heads and dancing the whole time), but also we found out their genders!

I am not super motivated to do some gender-reveal photo shoot…maybe because I’ve been sharing wedding photos and baby propaganda for a couple of weeks and I’m pretty sure people are tired of looking at me…so I will reveal it through these cute mice in a matchbox that a friend got for us.

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I took a poll and while a lot of people predicted the twins would be two girls, the majority, including my mom, Kai’s mom, my sister, and my best friends, predicted it would be a boy and a girl. Very few people guessed two boys.

And guess who won?

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Majority rules! I had also felt this whole time that I had a girl on my left and a boy on my right, (though I started to doubt myself a few weeks ago when I met an old Chinese healer man at a farmers market who predicted two girls). But my intuition, as usual, was right!

Kai and I watched the ultrasound screen together, wondering when the doctor would stop measuring bones and finally tell us, and when she did, we felt like we were living in a dream. How could I be here right now, married to the love of my life and four months away from being a mother to a son and a daughter, when four years ago I was at the rock-bottom dregs of despair, and a year ago I was blithely coasting, unsure of everything in my life? There are ups and downs always to remind me how to feel, but ultimately I sense the world showering me with abundance right now, and I’m excited for what else is to come.

Thank God for Wedding Day

Ten Reasons I was in Hell for Two Weeks Prior to the Wedding

I had a really hard couple of weeks leading up until St. Patrick’s Day, which was also our wedding day. I will elucidate the reasons. (1) I began working over an hour’s drive away for a lady who, to put it bluntly, made me feel like I was having a nervous breakdown every time I was around her, such was her anxiety and need for control. Why did I start such a job at 18 weeks pregnant with twins, you ask? Well, because (2) I was broke as ever, freaking out about barely having enough money for my own half of the rent, let alone twins on their way in four months. In addition to that stressful job, I had (Reason 3) about five other odd jobs I had agreed to take on weeks ago when I couldn’t find any work at all. So (4) I was spending every second of every day in my car driving around to these jobs, which meant (5) I had no time for exercise or relaxation or taking care of myself. Thus (6) my body felt like it had been in a trash compactor and all the food I ate was what I packed in lunchboxes for myself through the day or what I bought cheaply from some crappy fast food place along the way. I was changing clothes in my car up to three times a day, depending on auditions or gigs I had. I was meditating in my car, crying in my car, aching in my car. On top of that, I have a writing job (not paying yet, but we have a company interested in funding us) that I actually do want to do. Besides spending time with my man, nesting, doing yoga, eating, and sleeping, this is the only thing I actually give a crap about, and (7) because of all this other shit, I was having to wait til the last possible minute to actually get my writing done, constantly feeling like a mess of a human who was letting my writing partners down. So with all of that, in addition to the (8) standard pregnancy symptoms of exhaustion, brain fog ,and hormonal anger/sadness, it’s not surprising that (9) Kai and I were not getting along. I was a total mess, and I wasn’t ever home, but when I was, he was also exhausted from working so much and just couldn’t be there for me like I needed. It was a lot of struggle. I called every therapist, friend, and family member I could for help. Oh and to put the icing on the cake, I had gotten a callback for a very prestigious national commercial a few days before the wedding. Guess when it was shooting? On our wedding day. So in addition to all the aforementioned stress,  (10) I was terrified I might get the job and have no choice, being so poor, but to take it, and have to reschedule our wedding.

 

…Then the Day Came to Save Us

Needless to say, as stressed and hormonal as I was, my expectations weren’t too high for our wedding day. I was glad to be marrying this wonderful man, the father of my children, but I was sure the day itself would be as stressful as every other day I’d been growing accustomed to lately. By the night before, there was no word from the commercial, so I had dodged that bullet. Our wedding would happen as planned. I had also informed Stressful Lady and all my other gigs that Friday I was not available for anything. Also, Kai and I worked out our arguments, understanding that both of us were going through a lot. The night before, I looked back on all my journals since I’d met him and made him a little book of all the entries where I had said I knew he was the one, or dreamed of marrying him. They dated back to four years ago, after we’d been dating only two months.

When the morning came, instead of waking up at 7, I I left my phone on silent and didn’t check any texts (and, yes, there were some asking “Ginger, can you be here at ___ time to do ___ thing for me?” NO.) I woke up beside the love of my life and the sun was shining in the windows. I made us pancakes and he made coffee, and we played acoustic love songs and enjoyed a lazy morning. His parents arrived as we were getting ready. In our finery, we got our things together and left for the courthouse. On the way I pulled some jasmine off one of the vines on 16th Street and fixed my hair in the car. Kai looked so handsome, and I felt as pretty as I ever have, as if my growing excitement was shining from within. I couldn’t believe how smoothly and stress-free this all was going.

We could only invite twenty people, and those were all family members or our oldest and closest L.A. friends–the ones we’ve shared the good and bad with over the years–and it began to dawn on us how special this getting married thing actually was. Where before, we knew our level of commitment, now, all these people we cared about were so excited for us. Now they knew, too. Even strangers on the street would clap and congratulate us as we passed. It felt like the whole world was rooting for our love, and nothing has ever felt more right.

I was so glad we didn’t have some overblown, shallow wedding with music and bridesmaids’ dresses and a party with a DJ. I really just wanted him, and he wanted me, and it just so happened that there were a few other people who cared to share these moments with us. We ate at a Santa Monica restaurant afterward, and then walked down to Ocean Avenue to our little surf hotel, where the nice guy working there had upgraded us to their largest suite because he was also rooting for our love. Our friends and family drank a little, and I got to have a glass of champagne, and we talked for a couple hours, then they left us to slow dance alone in our room, husband and wife.

In my journal three years ago, I had said that our wedding day would be one of the happiest days of my life. I have never experienced anything like it before, but I was right. Neither of us could stop smiling, and it still feels beautifully surreal to be a “real” family.

Scary Pregnant Googling

Below is a compiled list of word-for-word Google searches I have done since I found out I was pregnant. Put together in this form, they’re kind of frighteningly beautiful. Maybe I’ll submit them to a literary magazine as a poem entitled, “Crazy Pregnant Lady.”

pregnant and feel useless
writing while pregnant impossible
how much caffeine while pregnant
first trimester no motivation
green tea while pregnant
guayusa safe while pregnant
raw eggs pregnancy usa
pregnancy cat litter
toxoplasmosis
first trimester miscarriage statistics
i am so stressed out about this pregnancy i am terrified
pregnant money worries
first trimester afraid of getting fat
prenatal yoga
stress hurt baby in womb
pregnancy brain changes
best cheap crib
diapers safe for environment
cute 1/4 asian babies
can i surf while pregnant
compostable diapers
wine while pregnant
marijuana while pregnant
women’s march safe while pregnant
matcha caffeine content
dull ache in lower abdomen pregnant
acupressure points to relieve queasiness
prenatal depression
tylenol autism
st. john’s wort safe while pregnant
acupuncture while pregnant
when will i start showing
too tired to exercise first trimester
where to find preggie pops santa monica
food cures for morning sickness
can’t stop complaining first trimester
jealous of partner for being not pregnant
learn to love yourself
nannying makes me not want to have kids
lazy pregnancy
how to structure days when depressed
pregnancy hypnosis
writing jobs from home
when is he going to propose
pregnancy model agencies
fisher-price vintage cassette player with microphone
california hospital delivery
best water birth los angeles
doula price los angeles
best midwives los angeles
should mom or in-laws stay with us after birth
quiet hands free breast pump
twins natural birth
do fraternal twins grow at same rate in womb as one
baby names japanese
sun baby names
water baby names
romantic getaways near LA
insomnia 12 weeks pregnant
melatonin safe while pregnant
foods that help regulate pregnancy hormones
How to get married Santa Monica
men’s platinum wedding band 4mm

Divine Timing – I’m Engaged

I have gone from the dregs of despair to feeling like I’ve won life’s lottery.

We drove up the coast to one of our favorite spots, Solstice Canyon. We were both free and Kai suggested we go for a hike.

The sky was sharp cerulean. All the hills were green from the past few months of rain, and the sun was bright. We found our path and began walking up the steep hills, where the still-damp dirt was washed through with crevasses we had to hop over. We talked, then just climbed.

I get winded a little easier since I’ve been carrying these little babies, but it felt good to breathe hard. Everything smelled like Eucalyptus and Rosemary. We stopped here and there to take in the view. Kai took selfies of us, which is usually more my job.

Near the top of the mountain we strayed from the path and followed a tiny trail through the brambles that led to the peak. The peak was a grassy meadow with a seascape on all sides. The ocean was a deep sapphire, dappled with light. We sat down in the grass and let the sun warm our faces.

We both meditate for 24 minutes every day, and sitting surrounded by nature, this seemed like the perfect place. He set his watch and we closed our eyes, and heard wind rustling, birds chirping, and the occasional small plane fly by. I fell into my own breath, and soon was roused by the beep.

I opened my eyes.

He was on one knee.

I looked at him, taking note of his amber-green eyes. He was really seeing me. And he was on one knee. The breeze blew.

He said, “Will you marry me?”

Tears came to my eyes. “Are you serious?” I think I said, and as he told me he was, I said, “yes!” And more tears came. I hugged him.

“I love you,” I said. “I have known you’re what I wanted since we met.”

“I love you too,” he said. “But you still haven’t answered my question.”

“Yes I did,” I said. “Yes! Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.”

He hugged me more. He told me he had asked my parents’ blessing over Christmas, and I thought of how, at Christmas, I had, in a hormonal fit, reamed him up one side and down the other for saying the wrong thing on the car ride to Kentucky. It had taken me days to forgive myself. I couldn’t believe he could love me past that enough to know he wanted to marry me.

He held out some ring-shaped blue plastic. “I wish I had the ring. I’ve picked one out, I just didn’t know what size you were, and I tried every way I could to figure it out. Can you try these on?”

I didn’t care, I told him, if I even got a ring. Yes, it would be nice to have that symbol to look at when I’m feeling low, but he was my prize. I couldn’t stop smiling as I tried them on. “I feel so precious, like a little doll right now,” I said.

“You are so precious.”

He told me that for months, he had been talking to his cousin and to one of his friends about proposing, telling them he’d probably do it within six months to a year. He said that one night after a discussion with them, he actually went online and started searching for rings.

The next day, he said, was the day we found out I was pregnant.

And like that, I have gone from a single gal who worries about dying alone, to a woman on the verge of having my ideal husband and two children at once. Divine timing is real, it turns out.